Overdue.

It's been a long time.

Important updates:

- The fellow from my previous post faded into the mist.

- I met someone wonderful. And then a few months later he ripped my heart out. Let's call him 'Chandler'. He ran away when things got real.

- I'm still not over said breakup. I hurt in a way I haven't since four years ago. I never saw it coming, and I am still so very shattered.

- I expect to see Chandler this weekend for the first time since we split. Uh oh.

- I had some health issues arise, but it seems that everything is okay now (give me a week and I'll have a definite answer).

- I detest my job.

- I'm moving across the country in two months to go back to school. By myself. To a place where I know no one. And I'm so. damn. excited.

Come, sit around the campfire, and let me spin you a tale...

Once upon a time, I was introduced to a lovely man named Chandler. The chemistry was immediate, but I was unsure of his feelings. The first time we went out on a proper date he couldn't even look me in the eye he was so nervous. A man nervous around ME??? But, he kissed me like crazy back at my car and told me he wanted to see me again. I smiled.

It started oh-so-slowly. Then, it got into second gear. He invited himself over for New Years. We kissed at midnight, and my heart was bursting. The next morning he made me breakfast. I didn't want him to go. I knew I was in deep. He met my friends. We went on a double date with a friend of his. He had me meet another one of his friends because he kept asking to meet me, and I glowed thinking about how he was talking about me. He paraded me around in front of them, and I felt secure, content, and desired. I felt so comfortable. We were together, but I had the space I needed to breathe and be me. When something completely awful happened, he helped me pick up the pieces. I swooned. I knew.

There was talk about our upcoming birthdays. About trips we wanted to take and things we wanted to do when the weather changed. There was talk of "next time", implied weekend plans, and not letting each other go. He lit me up.

So imagine my heartache when he called 24 hours after our most perfect night together and told me he wanted out.

I never saw it coming.

I hurt. And I hurt. And then I cried. I sobbed. I fell apart in front of life long friends who have never seen me fall apart. And I hated myself for it. I felt so weak. I was never "that girl" who cried over men. When things ended, I shrugged my shoulders, and fell into the arms of someone else. But that all changed since Chandler. It's been four months, and I haven't even looked at someone else. uh oh.

The hardest part is trying to rationalize it. I can't. The only way I have gotten through the days is to tell myself he got scared that someone cared actually cared about him and ran away. But then I start thinking about the possibilities if our paths were to cross in a few years. I can't live my life waiting for him to figure out how much I cared for him. I wish he would have talked to me. I wish he would have given me the chance to tell him that I was scared too. I know there was something sincere, real, and passionate between us, and I don't think our time was up (it's in his kiss). It's at the point now where my friends are tired of hearing about it. I'm tired of thinking about it. But sometimes, it catches up with me and I can hardly breathe.

So am I terrified to see him this weekend? Of course. But I think the only thing worse would be not seeing him.

I wonder if I'm doing the same thing. Running away. Across the country. So our paths won't cross.

My heart still aches for him. I look forward to the day when it doesn't.

Ray of light?

I went on a wonderful date this weekend.

It was a first date with a fellow I met during Halloween. I didn't really remember anything about him, and agreed to meet him for a drink more out of obligation than interest.

He was much more attractive than I remembered, and the conversation was flowing. He drove half an hour to meet me (when the most recent guy I was hanging out with couldn't be bothered to get on public transportation to see me). He was polite, appropriate, and interesting. He walked me to my car. Maybe this isn't saying a lot, but I've had lots of awful dates...so I was very pleasantly surprised to have such a good time.

He has a job. And a car. And an apartment. Truth be told, I've never dated someone who has had all three of these at once.

I've often read that "if you have no expectations, you can't be disappointed." Well, sure. I didn't have high hopes for the date, but it went really well. But now, I'm building up all these scenarios in my brain. And I have no idea how to shut that off.

All I know is, when I put my jacket on today and it smelled like him, a smile crossed my face.

This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine

I went to a wedding recently for someone I've known for most of my life. It was absolutely lovely. Probably the longest ceremony in the world. The smiles on their faces were huge, eyes were watering, and the couple were whispering back and forth to each other. It was small, and not overdone. Just beautiful.

While it's wonderful to celebrate someone else's love, I'll admit it. The real reason I love weddings? The open bar. All to often people host parties and say it's byo. Weddings are the great equalizer. Even better is when you go to a wedding as someone's plus one:
1. You don't know anybody. You'll be introduced to many, but names won't matter.
2. All the liquor you can drink for 6 hours. After hour 2, everyone is your best friend.
3. As the invitee, your date drives. Bonus points if they spring for the hotel.
4. You don't have to put a check in the envelope!

The whole day reminded me how there is so much happiness in the world. There are so many things to celebrate and be happy for. So here's an October 17th resolution to quit all things negative and all my complaining behavior. I'm going to try to be POSITIVE. About EVERYTHING. Don't laugh. They say happy people live longer, and I want all the time I can get.

"If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling that you'll find that love actually is all around."

Just don't look to Jon and Kate for an example.

chocolate for breakfast

I stumbled across a recipe for Nutella pound cake (http://danatreat.com/2009/09/nutella-pound-cake/) this week. My heart skipped a beat. Please note that the recipe uses an entire jar of Nutella.

How much do I love Nutella you ask? More than you can imagine. THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS MUCH. One spoonful of the chocolately hazelnutty goodness and I am a new woman. I like it on apples/strawberries/green grapes, with peanut butter, on a spoon, as an ice cream topping, on Italian bread....and many many many other ways. Combining it with a buttery sugary cake? Yes please.

The cake came out pretty well. I would suggest making the bottom batter layer thicker so the Nutella doesn't seep through/crust/fall apart all over the place. However, the good thing with Nutella is that even if it's sloppy it's delicious.

And according to the new commercial, Nutella is healthy (?):

“As a mom, I’m a great believer in Nutella, a delicious hazelnut spread that I can use to get my kids to eat healthy foods. I spread a little on all kinds of healthy things, like multi-grain toast. Every jar has wholesome, quality ingredients, like hazelnuts, skim milk, and a hint of delicious cocoa. And Nutella has no artificial colors or preservatives. It’s quick. It’s easy. And at breakfast, I can’t use all the help I can get.”



Well, I spread a jar of Nutella into a CAKE. Beat that.

hey you, get off my cloud

I tried to forget you
But you tied bells to your name
They jingled every time I thought of you
Without shame
I tried to be unlovable
Why couldn't you do the same?

What's the matter?
Does your love need a home?
Alright then
Love me, just leave me alone!
-Jewel


Oh hey. He's reappeared. Let's call him Raven.

Raven is an ex-lover. And as with any, it was complicated. We were best friends who became more. It was great for awhile. The best I had ever known. Until it all came crashing down. His lies cut me deep and it was unforgivable.

We tried to remain "friends", but failed time and time again. For a while it was working. But, we stopped talking again, because all Raven does is lie to me and let me down. Last time we spoke was five months ago. How many times can you let the same person disappoint you?

I realize this is mostly my fault. I should have cut the cord a long time ago. Raven was different though. He knew me in ways my closest friends never have, in ways other lovers never have and I'm not sure ever will. Deep down, I wanted to believe that he still cared for me. How can you be so cruel to someone you call your best friend? So, I keep giving Raven another chance. And another. And another. And another.

I hate how an unsuspecting email check turns into an emotional battle. A quick glance, and his name is in bold on the top of my inbox. I blink- is this for real? I open his email, not sure what to expect, hoping it's a lengthy apology, what I've been waiting to hear for all these years.

But, of course, it's not. Just a one line email. Like we communicate on a regular basis. Are you kidding?

Can I do this again? Do I have the strength for it? Can I keep my distance and my dignity? How can I make myself realize that Raven is never going to change?

So who says he'll forgive you
And says that he'll miss you
And dream of your sweet memory
God does
But I don't
God will
But I won't
And that's the difference
Between God and me
-Lyle Lovett

Quoth the raven, "Nevermore."

Firsts

I figure I might as well jump right into it.

It's been a year of firsts, some more poignant than others. In no particular order:

- First time living on my own. Doing what I want, when I want, with who I want. This lasted exactly 3 months.

- First time getting in a car accident. Nothing big, everyone was fine. I consider it a learning experience and an introduction into the bull that is insurance.

- First time taking Plan B. Accidents happen. Educate yourself.

- First time purchasing a car. Torture. Still not sure if I made the right decision.

-First time going to the dentist in at least five years. Ouch.

-First time getting serious bad vibes on a date. I'm not talking the awkward-we-have-nothing-in-common vibes, but the oh-god-where-am-i-do-you-think-someone-could-hear-me-if-i-scream vibes. Also known as the heebie jeebies.

-First time telling a friend turned lover turned asshole to leave. And meaning it.

-First time supervising multiple people at work. Power trip? A useful lesson in management skills.

-First time having an abnormal pap. Flipped out, calmed down.

- First time hiding something I did while supremely drunk from my best friend. dun dun dun

-First time having a bank account with more than 4 figures. At least for now.

- First time sticking with going to the gym!

-First time connecting with my grandma as a friend. I have so much to learn from her, especially about love and the importance of family.

-First time feeling like I'm the one in charge- with relationships, work, and the future.

It's been a year of change and growth. My journal writing has decreased to a dwindle, so I'm giving a go at blogging. If you asked me one year ago where I would be, I never would have described things as they are now. I've never been a believer in "fate", but surely, the world is big. Opportunities arise and fade, sometimes by our own doing, and sometimes purely by luck and timing. And no matter how many firsts I had this year, I know there are even more to come. Looking forward...